Thrown Under the Omnibus Read online

  As a result of thinking’s innate rudeness, thinking people are not often popular. Although the Curies were extremely famous, they were rarely invited out socially. They were too thoughtful. Also, they glowed.

  The fact that good manners require interaction is finally their most useful trait. Manners force us to pay attention to the needs, desires, and hopes of other people. If you have good manners you will never become narcissistic and self-obsessed. A self-obsessed person is to be pitied; there are so many interesting people in the world, and while he’s not paying attention to them, they will probably rob and cheat him.

  The Fundamentals of Contemporary Courtesy

  The purpose of old-fashioned manners was to avoid attracting attention. The reason for this was that old-fashioned manners were possessed by only a few hundred rich people. These few hundred rich people didn’t want all the hundreds of millions of poor people to notice who had the money. If the rich, polite few started attracting attention, the poor, rude many might get together and commit mayhem the way they did in Russia. The heck with that, said rich people.

  But nowadays there are hundreds of millions of rich people, and poor people have been pretty much rendered harmless by drugs and sleeping on sidewalks. Plus it’s getting so you can’t tell rich from poor anyway, what with Nigerian illegal immigrants selling Rolexes on street corners and Gloria Vanderbilt putting her name on blue jean behinds. The problem modern people have is trying to be special. Therefore, the purpose of modern manners is to attract as much attention as possible.

  Greetings

  The importance of conspicuousness in modern life has led to the phenomenon of “greeting inflation.” Once, even the closest friends greeted each other with a polite bow. Today such reticence is almost extinct. A loud “Sweetheart,” a slap on the back, chuck on the arm, tousling of hair, and a cheerful “Have a nice day!” will do if you don’t know a person at all. But if you have even the slightest acquaintance with someone, it is usual to embrace him physically no matter what the circumstances. If you’re carrying a briefcase or package, just throw it into the gutter. This makes a dramatic gesture of good fellowship.

  If you actually know someone’s name, twin kisses on both cheeks are expected and should be accompanied by some highly original term of endearment. “I love you” or “You’re my best friend” isn’t nearly strong enough. In California, where manners are more modern than anywhere else, people say, “I’d murder my parents to have lunch with you” or even “I’m so glad to see you that I’m going to give you gross points in my new movie.” (The latter statement is a lie, by the way.)

  Rebuffs

  At one time there was not only an etiquette of greeting people but also an etiquette of not greeting them. This ranged in degree from the coldly formal bow to the “cut direct.” The cut direct was delivered by looking right at a person and not acknowledging his acquaintance or even his existence. This is no longer done. It has been replaced by the lawsuit. Opposing parties in a lawsuit (and other enemies) are expected to greet each other like lovers—especially now when it’s so fashionable for hostesses to invite people who hate each other to the same dinners. If the enmity is minor or philosophical in nature, argument—or, better, tableware throwing—may resume after a drink or two. But if the hatred is deep and well occasioned, the mutual detestors are expected to chat amicably throughout the evening.

  Hat, Cane, and Gloves

  What to do with your hat and cane is a perennial awkwardness when greeting people. If the cane is necessary, it should be replaced with a crutch, which will gain you much more sympathy.

  A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. When you put on a hat you are surrendering to the same urge that makes children wear mouse ears at Disney World or drunks wear lampshades at parties. Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman. Every style of hat is identified with some form of undesirable (derby = corrupt ward heeler; fedora = male model; top hat = rich bum; pillbox = Kennedy wife, et cetera). Furthermore, the head is symbolically identified with the sexual organs, so that when you walk down the street wearing a hat, anyone who has the least knowledge of psychology will see you as having … a problem. A hat should only be worn if you are employed as a baseball player or are hunting ducks in the rain.

  Gloves present another problem, especially when shaking hands. Men must always remove their gloves before a handshake. There is a good reason for this. A man can be very accurately judged by his hand. A soft hand indicates a lazy, unemployed person. A hard, calloused hand shows that a person is an ignorant and dull manual laborer. A cold, clammy hand means that a person is guilty and nervous. And a warm, dry hand means a person is incapable of feeling guilt and has the nerve to pull anything on you. A woman never removes her gloves. There’s a good reason for this, too. A woman can also be very accurately judged by her hand, and why would she want to be?

  The Handshake

  Despite the popularity of more effusive forms of greeting, the handshake is omnipresent. It is now extended to everyone—men, women, old people, young children, and, especially, pet dogs.

  It’s important to develop a limp and affected handshake. A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you’ll never be forgiven if you don’t live up to it. Also, a firm, hearty handshake inspires confidence in others. People who go around inspiring confidence in others are probably looking to sell them something. You don’t want to appear to be that sort.

  Farewells

  Much more important than greeting people is saying good-bye to them or getting them to say good-bye to you or getting rid of them somehow anyway. The one thing that can be safely said about the great majority of people is that we don’t want them around. Be sincere and forthright about the problem. Take the person you want to get rid of aside and tell him he has to leave because the people you’re with hate him. Say, “I’m sorry, Fred, but you can’t sit down with us. Molly and Bill Dinnersworth hate you because you’re so much smarter and more successful than they are.”

  This is nasty and flattering at the same time. And it makes life more interesting, which, if you’re too sophisticated to just want attention, is the point of existence.

  In Public

  If you don’t manage to get rid of everyone and end up having to go somewhere with a group of people, make sure the couples are separated and that each partner is escorted by somebody new. This will give everyone something different to fight about later.

  Generally speaking, a man is supposed to walk to the left of a woman and also keep himself between her and the curb. Of course, it is frequently impossible to do both. But the great thinkers of all ages have been unanimous in their admiration of paradox.

  Unless he is helping her into an ambulance or a paddy wagon, a man is never supposed to touch a woman in public. That is, he shouldn’t if he’s married to the woman. Nothing is more deleterious to the spirit of romance than watching a married couple hold hands.

  If a man is walking down the street with two women, he should keep them both on his right and not appear between them like an acrobat taking a bow. Every authority on etiquette mentions this precept. But what no authority on etiquette mentions is how a man can manage to get two women in the first place. The best idea is for him to convince his wife or girlfriend to talk a friend of hers into a threesome. Most likely the result will be physically and emotionally disastrous. But everyone will get something juicy to tell the psychiatrist and something to romanticize in a diary or memoirs. Again, life is made more interesting.

  It’s no longer de rigueur for a man to burden himself with anything heavy that a woman is carrying, especially not a mortgage or someone else’s baby. Nor should a man necessarily hold a door for a woman, unless it is a revolving door. It’s not good manners to hold a revolving door, but it is lots of fun when other people are trapped inside.

  Restaurants, Taxicabs, and the Theater

  When entering a restaurant, a man should allow the woman to precede him to their seats. This lets her find a friend whose table she can stand at and chat for half an hour while the man gets a chance to glimpse the prices on the menu and has a clear shot to bolt for the door when he sees those prices.

  A wise woman allows a man to enter a taxicab ahead of her so she can slam his hand in the door if he’s been acting like an ass.

  At the theater, concert, or ballet, a man allows a woman to take her seat first. He then holds her coat on his lap, along with his own coat, her purse, her umbrella, both programs, and any other personal effects. Safely hidden behind this mound of belongings, he can go to sleep.

  The Importance of Being on Time

  Whatever type of event you’re attending, it’s important to be on time. Being on time should not be confused with being prompt. Being prompt means arriving at the beginning. Being on time means arriving at the most interesting moment. Excepting love affairs, that moment is rarely the beginning.

  “On time” is between midnight and four a.m. in New York, even for an eight o’clock play. Between midnight and four a.m. the actors will be getting drunk in a bar, and they’ll be much more fun to talk to than when they’re up on the stage.

  In most other urban areas, “on time” is between twenty minutes and an hour late. This gives everyone else time to be late, too, and they’ll appreciate it.

  In the country being on time more nearly approximates being prompt. But don’t overdo it. Being early is an unpardonable sin. If you are early, you’ll witness the last-minute confusion and panic that always attend making anything seem effortlessly gracious.

  In California, “on time” doesn’t mean anything at all. An appointment for a meeting at three
o’clock on Tuesday indicates there won’t be a meeting and there might not be a Tuesday. Few words and no numbers have any meaning west of the Nevada border.

  At Home

  One popular way to avoid the problem of being on time is to stay at home and conduct your life over the telephone. This is very chic in New York. Even New Yorkers who occasionally go outdoors have taken to telephoning every person they know once a day and twice if any of them has anything awful to say about the others.

  Living over the telephone has a number of advantages. It saves on cab fare and clothing budgets, and love affairs can be conducted without the bother of contraception or hairdressers. In fact, with judicious use of answering machines, a love affair can be conducted without the bother of ever talking to the loved one.

  Making Up in Public

  It’s bad manners to apply cosmetics in public. It reminds people that you need them.

  Smoking in Public

  Smoking was once subject to all sorts of polite restrictions, but now it’s just illegal. Therefore, there’s only one remaining rule of etiquette about smoking in public: make sure you don’t smoke anywhere else. Smoking is an inexpensive and convenient means of showing fashionable contempt for middle-class rules and regulations. Smoking also looks good. People who don’t smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips. But, when no one’s around to see you, it doesn’t matter what you do so there’s no point in smoking then.

  If someone asks you not to smoke, tell him you have no intention of living to be an embittered old person. But thank him for his concern.

  Nonchalance

  Nonchalance about health and well-being is what gives smoking its charm. That same nonchalance is at the heart of all really good manners. The most fundamental lesson of etiquette is “be unconcerned.” Proper behavior means always giving the appearance of unperturbed grace. This appearance is much easier to achieve if you really don’t care about anything. And this is why people always seem to be on their best behavior right before they commit suicide.

  Code of A Modern Gentleman

  1. Never strike anyone so old, small, or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.

  2. Never steal anything so small that you’ll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal tennis prison.

  3. Remember, the truth is rude. Consider the truth about where babies come from, especially some people’s.

  4. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

  5. Never transmit a sexual disease in public.

  6. Women and children should be protected in every tax-deductible way.

  7. Don’t pull on a crewneck sweater with a lit cigarette in your mouth.

  Important People: When to Stand Up, When to Sit Down, and When to Roll Over and Play Dead

  An important person should be treated exactly like anyone else holding a gun at your head.

  Fortunately there aren’t many important people. To be important a person must be able to have an effect on your life. But the anarchy, entropy, and confusion in what’s left of Western civilization make it difficult for anyone to have any effect on anything. Therefore this section is about people who are called important rather than people who are important. The headwaiter at Ma Maison, IRS auditors, and your immediate superior at work are important enough to be treated under separate headings.

  People Who Are Important “To Me”

  Some people who are called important are the “to me” kind of important, as in, “My parents are important to me.” If it is necessary to explain that someone is important to you, that explanation is all you are socially obligated to do for him. He isn’t that important.

  Famous People

  Other people who are called important are actually famous. Of course, they aren’t important, either. And it would be hard to think of anything less important than some of them. A lamprey is more important than Bianca Jagger. But it is not a lie to call famous people important, because it isn’t they to whom we are referring. It’s their fame. Fame is very important. Modern society is without any concept of dignity, worth, or regard. Today the only thing which sets one person apart from another is his or her degree of fame.

  Social obligations to the modern or famous type of important people are enormous and complex. We must be as obsequious as possible to famous people and do everything in our power to make them like us. Fame is a communicable disease. And if you kiss the ass of someone who’s got it, you may catch it yourself.

  Introductions

  In order to meet famous people and give them the opportunity to take advantage of you, an introduction is necessary. Asking for their autograph or running up to their restaurant table and gushing over their latest cause for notoriety (“I loved your divorce!”) won’t do.

  The perfectly correct and most formal introduction is: “Mr. Awfulpics, may I present Mr. Climby” or “Mr. Grosspoints, may I present you to Miss Bedable.” Or use the word “introduce” instead of “present.” It’s almost as correct and not as stupid sounding. The less famous person is presented to the more famous person. But men are always presented to women no matter how many times the man has appeared on the cover of Time and no matter how obvious it is that the woman wants to sleep with him just because he has. The only circumstance in which a woman is presented to a man is if that man is president of the United States—and who’d want to sleep with him?

  Children

  Children are never introduced at all unless the famous person has a thing for them and you have one paid for and ready at the time.

  Subfamous People

  Of course, the very formal method of introduction is never used by sophisticated people because sophisticated people have never had occasion to read a book of etiquette. Besides, most of them know each other already. But it is wise to use the most ceremonious forms with people such as game-show hosts, rock-star wives, daytime television personalities, Cher’s boyfriends, and others who might be insecure about their social status because they have none.

  Otherwise, introductions are tailored to the circumstances and to the amount of fame involved. If there is no fame involved and you’re just introducing one worthless friend of yours to another, you can say simply, “Don’t you guys know each other?” and walk away.

  Insignificant Friends

  When you want to introduce an insignificant friend to a famous person, you probably don’t really want to at all. It’s hard to do what you really want all the time but, like every difficult task, it results in a feeling of great accomplishment and satisfaction. Just leave your friend standing there like furniture while you chat happily with the MTV veejay, mafia hit man, or elected official.

  If you owe money to the friend or are married to him or her and taking this tack will get you in trouble, you can say, “Oh, by the way, Mr. Panflash, this is Alice. We went to the same child psychiatrist back in Lake Forest.” If you have an ancient acquaintance with someone not worth knowing, most people will at least pretend to forgive you—the way they would pretend to forgive you for a birth defect or the wrong racial background. Of course, your spouse—whom you met two weeks ago in a health club—may be perplexed by this explanation, but that’s what your spouse gets for trying to marry up.